Mummy Spits the Dummy

1. Load kids in car. Start car, open garage.

2. Unload kids. Go back inside, change dirty nappy. Repeat step 1.

3. Listen to ‘Hey Jude’ over and over en route to post office, as per four-year-old Boy-Child’s request.

4. Assemble letter-posting supplies: Letters, envelopes, gift card for nephew, photos for Nan, money for stamps.

5. Assume place in queue at post office to buy stamps.

6. Reach second place in queue. Leave queue as Boy-Child needs to go to the toilet and can’t hang on for two more minutes (although he is somehow able to hang on during the walk to toilet at other end of shopping centre and can even manage some dawdling to gawk at rides and merchandise on the way).

7. Assume place at end of new queue, which is suddenly twice as long as the original.

8. Attempt to keep both children from touching every. single. item. in the post office before you reach the counter.

9. Buy stamps.

10. Head to counter to stamp and address envelopes. Get Boy-Child involved by having him seal the envelopes and stick on the stamps. Allow him to run out to the post box on the footpath and post each one while you address the next one. Admire his antics as he refuses assistance and tries to reach the slot, which is almost exactly an arm-length plus envelope-length above his height when he is on tiptoe. Cheer with the other patrons when he eventually posts each one by jumping/levitating/scrambling.

11. Realise that his antics have distracted you and you have failed to address the last two envelopes in a timely manner. Give him one of them to stamp while you address the other. (Readers can surely guess where this is going).

12. Look up in time to see him jump in slow motion with blank, stamped envelope directly lined up with slot in postbox. Somehow his ninja skills have become finely honed since the last letter and he gracefully slips it into the slot even as he’s turning to hear you say ‘Nnnnnooooooooo! Waaaiiiittttt!’. Watch the letter teeter for a moment before disappearing into the postbox.

13. Comfort distraught postal-ninja, assure him you’re not mad but you need to work out a plan.

14. Break for lunch before repeating steps 7 and 8.

15. Explain dilemma to patient post office employee. Follow employee outside with post box key.

16. Treat this as a learning experience about what happens to the mail after we post it. Repeatedly remind Boy-Child that he is NOT allowed to help the man pull the letters out once the post box is open. Physically restrain him when he proves unable to stop himself from repeatedly committing a federal offense.

17. Retrieve blank envelope from patient post office employee. Apologise for disruption to day. Check that it doesn’t matter where exactly on envelope the stamp has been placed (e.g. bottom left corner). Thank him when he tells you the fact it’s been stamped twice will more than accommodate this.

18. Address the creatively and thoroughly-stamped envelope. Allow Boy-Child to re-post.

19. Listen to ‘Yellow Submarine’ on repeat all the way home.

20. Pour stiff gin immediately upon arrival.

21. Sniff stiff gin, then pour it down the sink because you have to breastfeed and take care of children all afternoon. Sigh.