Mummy Spits the Dummy

For most of my life I’ve been called ‘Julie’. Now, suddenly, I’m surrounded by small humanoids who insist upon calling me ‘Mummy’.

 

…Well, when I say ‘surrounded’, I mean there are two of them at last count. Sometimes it just seems more like a dozen.

 

…And when I say they insist on calling me ‘Mummy’, I mean that the larger one does. The smaller one generally addresses me as ‘Neh!!’ while gesturing at my bosoms.

It’s become apparent that these mini-humans depend on me for survival, and will do for the foreseeable future. I do my best, but would you believe that neither one of these children came into my possession with an instruction book? And that the experience gained from keeping the first one alive for five years appears to be useless when applied to the second (it’s as if they are completely separate people with different personalities, needs and wants from one another!)? Nobody told me it would be like this.

 

…When I say ‘nobody told me it would be like this’, I mean ‘everybody told me it would be like this and I just assumed I would be better at parenting than them so didn’t take any notice’. Whoops. Please see this post so you can fully grasp the depth of my shame.

Boy-Child is five at the time of writing. Baby Girl is one. I’m pretty sure I’m about a hundred and thirty-five years old, most days. My husband is six months older than me but is aging far more gracefully than I am.

I know that one day I’ll look back fondly on these early years of parenting, and will probably badger frazzled mothers of small children about how ‘these are the best days of your life’ and ‘I loved every minute of raising my own babies’. Ha! For now, I keep these entries as evidence that I have loved many minutes of raising my babies so far. I’ve spent many other minutes resisting the urge to drink/run away/stab myself in the eye with a crayon. Blogging helps me to restore a little perspective and see the funny side of those days.

Please enjoy. Please don’t think I’m being completely serious – if in doubt, err on the side of ‘I’m kidding with you’. Please comment if you like a post, or indeed if you don’t – I’d love to hear from you either way. Please feel free to share/reblog/tweet/whatever, provided you link back to this site. Please be kind, as often as you can. We’re all just figuring it out as we go along here.