Toilet (training) humour.

Well, it’s happening! Callooh, callay – my second and final baby is learning how to use the toilet. We’re finally going to be out of nappies FOREVER! Welcome to Dry Big-Girl-Pants Town, population us. Huzzah! Let us proceed to donate all the unused nappies, to dismantle and burn the change table, and to buy huge shares in hand sanitiser and antibacterial wipes!

flushing meadows

No, wait. Hold that thought just a minute. Keep that last bag of pull-ups. Don’t put the deposit down for the marching band just yet.  It seems she’s – shall we say – still a bit particular about when and how she will consider it appropriate to use the toilet.

Times when my toddler does NOT want to use the toilet:

  • Before going to bed.
  • Before having a bath.
  • Before getting into the car.
  • Before leaving the house.

Times when my toddler would quite like to use the toilet, please:

  • Ten minutes after going to bed.
  • In the middle of having a bath.
  • Anytime the toilet is occupied by another family member.
  • While being strapped into her carseat, when we are already late for school.
  • Halfway through grocery shopping or a doctor’s appointment.
  • Anytime I sit down and/or pick up the phone.

Times when my toddler passionately insists that she MUST use the toilet, and no alternative will do:

  • 5.00 am, on a Sunday.
  • When we are driving on the highway at 100km/h with no exit in sight.
  • Almost at the end of grocery shopping, while I am loading food onto the checkout conveyor and cannot excuse myself without inconveniencing multiple shoppers behind me.
  • When I have just toasted and buttered the last two pieces of bread in the house for my breakfast, and they are actually hot at the same time as my coffee.
  • At the playground, where the only throne available is a lightless, seatless cavern of stench, into which she will dangle her tiny bottom and angrily refuse any assistance. Obviously, I will spend the entire time panicking that she’s going to fall right in, she will touch every disgusting surface in the place as she clambers on and off the toilet, and there’s no soap.
  • En route to the carpark at the mall, where we have three minutes left on the meter and have already made two fruitless visits to the miniature toilet in the parents’ room. I will hear myself telling her crossly to ‘just go in your pants!’ as she repeatedly sobs ‘Needy doo-a wee-wee, Mummy! Needy go-a torlet!’, feel the shame of being a cruel, heartless mother, then sigh and hoof it to the smelly adult toilet that is our only nearby option. Once there, she will happily sit on the giant seat and doo-a wee-wee all over her dress, which I’ve failed to hold out of the way adequately.
Might be time to dust off this bad boy...
Might be time to dust off this bad boy…

Buckle up, folks. This could be another long ride…


My Kid Doesn't Poop Rainbows

17 thoughts on “Toilet (training) humour.

  1. I hate hate HATE toilet training! In my book, it is the worst part of child raising. Even worse than middle of the night infant feedings. (Well, on second thought, it’s a toss up.) And YES with the peeing on her dress! Every.darn.time. If not the dress than the floor because, having a fire hose or no, that pee will still shoot out all over her underwear, her shoes, my shoes, and the floor. I keep spare undies with me for her at all times for those situations, but teaching her to lean forward so the spray goes IN THE BOWL is the next step. HAVE FUN! 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I have to say, I didn’t expect it to be so tricky second time around. In hindsight though, my son pretty much toilet trained himself by hanging out in the garden with no pants on for a few weeks. Not that simple with a girl, apparently!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Our lives are like mirrors, half a world apart. Our two-year-old decided on Friday that she was going to start using the toilet, which so far has pretty much just meant I sit on the bathroom floor and sing songs to her for 20 minute blocks of time, while she dribbles out a teaspoon of urine maybe in the potty, maybe on her legs. But hey, it’s progress!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s what we have to keep telling ourselves, right?? I’m not allowed to sing songs during our toilet vigils though. I have to listen to her instead. Any attempts to join in (or to tone down her jazz hands before she falls in the toilet) are severely frowned upon.


  3. I almost lost it when I read this: At the playground, where the only throne available is a lightless, seatless cavern of stench, into which she will dangle her tiny bottom and angrily refuse any assistance. 

    All the girls I knew would only pee in pristine conditions!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sounds traumatic for everyone involved. Not looking forward to this stage at all. Especially as I have a deep seated fear of public loos. I think I shall be teaching my lad about ‘wild wees’ as soon as possible.

    Thanks so much for linking up to #fartglitter x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. lol ahhh, sorry for laughing at your pain, but seriously hilarious lists!! Good luck with the potty training and thanks for the giggles! If it makes it any better, my mom had to bring carry me to the toilet while I was sleeping every night at around 2am until I was 7 or I would wet the bed! I just stayed asleep and swayed back and forth on the toilet while my mom held me up!

    Liked by 1 person

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