Ten reasons why a sensible person would buy a dog instead of having a baby.

I’d be lying if I said there hadn’t been several moments during my early parenting career at which I wondered, “What on earth were we thinking? Why didn’t we just get a puppy or something?”. Here are some reasons why buying a dog would probably have been a smarter idea than having kids just to fulfill some stupid biological imperative.

Seriously, parents. What were you thinking?
Seriously. What were we thinking, bringing this wild beast into our home?

1. Buying a dog does not inherently condemn you to months years of lost income, lost sleep and lost dignity. At worst, a healthy and somewhat pampered dog will cost you a thousand bucks or so per year to maintain, for the next 10-15 years. A healthy and not at all pampered child will cost you roughly $300,000 just to feed, clothe and keep alive for the next 18 years and beyond. Factor in the lost income and a private education and you’re easily nudging a million dollar expense. Ouch! (I haven’t even gone into the lost sleep or lost dignity – let’s just say some things are even more valuable than money, and they also are in short supply once you live with a baby or small child).

2. It is socially acceptable to put a dog on a leash for outings. Put one on a toddler and you will be judged (don’t even think about a muzzle, tempting as it may be).

I’m really not sure what the haters would make of this particular setup. But, whatever gets the job done, right? (Image credit: http://www.catsmob.com)

3. Here is a list of things you need to take with you when you go for a walk with a dog:

  • Dog
  • Leash
  • Frisbee
  • Something to collect dog poo (although more and more frequently I see dog poo bags are being provided in little dispensers at our local parks, so you might not even need to remember these)

Here is a list of things you need to take with you when you go for a walk with a small child:

  • Child
  • Nappies (at least three, no matter HOW short the outing is going to be)
  • Baby wipes. For the love of god, baby wipes. Even if the kid is out of nappies, bring the wipes.
  • Snack (nutritious)
  • Drink (in child’s preferred vessel, or else)
  • Hat (plus grim determination and catlike reflexes to keep hat on child’s head)
  • Special blanket*
  • Special teddy*
  • Change of clothes for both of you, just in case
  • Stroller in case child doesn’t like carrier
  • Carrier in case child doesn’t like stroller
  • Leash in case child is determined to ‘walk all by my own, Mummy!’ (plus nerves of steel to deflect frowns from disapproving childless onlookers)
  • Bandaids in case of independent-walking-induced injury

If you forget even one of these things, it is guaranteed to be the thing that you need most urgently during your brief, precious foray into the outside world. Items marked with a * are to be checked for every five minutes, as leaving them behind and losing them would be even worse than forgetting to bring them with you in the first place.

4. If your dog is misbehaving, is dirty, or you just want a bit of peace and quiet, you can put him in a fenced area outside and leave him there for the rest of the day. Not only will you not get arrested for this, but he’ll probably enjoy it out there anyway. If he’s really playing up, you can restrain him temporarily by tying him to the clothesline. Again, nobody will bat an eyelid.

5. Although your dog might occasionally growl at the postie, he is unlikely to cause significant interference with simple tasks like buying groceries or sending and receiving mail.

6. This is important, so listen up. You can go places WITHOUT your dog sometimes. You don’t need to arrange care for the dog unless you’ll be gone overnight. Even then, you could probably get away with just leaving some extra food out and asking the neighbour to check on him once. You can still ‘nip to the shops’, ‘go for a coffee’, or ‘see a movie’ without having to either take him with you or orchestrate dog-sitting until your return.

7. Nobody is going to start an argument with you about whether or not you should vaccinate your dog. (For the record, you should vaccinate your dog. Everyone vaccinates their dogs, don’t they?).

8. Your dog will never tell you it hates you because you’ve asked it to (for example) turn off the TV and sit up for dinner. Your dog will pretty much adore you just for waking up in the morning. That’s how dogs roll.

9. Dogs can apparently be house-trained, with quite good results. I have a five-year-old son who, although he toilet-trained himself at the age of two, still regularly wees on the floor beside the toilet and walks away satisfied with a job well done.

10. Your dog won’t occasionally spend the day speaking only in the voice of Jar Jar Binks. It’s a subtle but effective form of torture, and what makes it so perfectly infuriating is that the kid isn’t even trying to be annoying! The kid actually likes Jar Jar Binks, and if when you eventually lose it and snap at him, he’ll be heartbroken.

Image credit: http://boards.theforce.net
And now, four not-at-all-sensible reasons I’m glad I had kids anyway:

1. No matter how clean and well-groomed your dog is, the smell of a puppy’s head will never compare to the intoxicating fragrance of a newborn baby’s head.

2. Your dog will never announce out of the blue: “Mummy. I have something to tell you. I… have fallen in love to you”. All the tail-wagging and soulful brown eyes in the world don’t come close to them apples.

3. Your dog will not bring a smile to your face daily with adorable mispronunciations.

“Breskesk” (breakfast)

“Boosabul fezza” (beautiful feather)

“Belbow” (elbow)

“Dis mozzie is bozzering me” (This mosquito is bothering me)

and my personal favourite, “Look at all the faaark!” (Fog. No, really. Fog).

4. Even the cleverest of dogs will not one day present you with a picture of a friendly stegosaurus, complete with eyebrows.

Yes, eyebrows.
Yes, eyebrows.

Kids rock!

(I’d like to give a shout out to the hilarious Toddler Mama at Hold Me, Don’t Hold Me for this post, which was what got me thinking about the ‘dogs vs kids’ idea and reflecting on my questionable decision-making in detail. Go read! She’s a hoot!).

My Kid Doesn't Poop Rainbows

18 thoughts on “Ten reasons why a sensible person would buy a dog instead of having a baby.

  1. I love you dog so so so much, i am currently 28 weeks pregnant and expecting my littke girl on the 7th January 2015, i hope so much that they get along ok! Shes only a littke 4lb Chihuahua though, im sure it will be fine!


    1. Congratulations! I’m sure your two girls will get along just fine. My babies have both been quite fond of cat biscuits from the time they could drag themselves across the floor – maybe get your dog used to the idea of being fed somewhere kid-proof early on! Hmm, and that’s the first and last piece of parenting advice I’ll be offering on here as anyone can tell I’m rubbish at this game! πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re a riot! It was so funny I actually laughed out loud and I never do that. Specially the part about the leash!

    But yes, I guess it’s a basic need: parenting. Some people are perfectly alright parenting animals though. Then again, animals can’t draw!


  3. Love this! Haha! Made me laugh a lot. I’m not a dog person – often remind myself that many of the general public must feel about my children the way I feel about dogs! X


    1. I’m not much of a dog person either, so I hope my assumptions about owning one haven’t been wildly inaccurate (maybe they DO have hilarious drawing skills?! What would I know?). The silliest thing is that I also wasn’t much of a kid person until I irrationally decided we should go ahead and have a couple. I’m lucky things turned out as well as they have so far!


    1. He also gave it an extra leg, which I adore (I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt and saying that’s an extra leg). I keep this on the fridge to remind me how lovable he actually is, at the times I need reminding!


    1. Goodness, Shelley! How did you stumble on this old one? Glad you enjoyed it, it’s one of my favorites. Definitely check out Emily’s stuff, she’s also one of my favorites! As are you πŸ™‚ Thanks as ever for reading.


  4. Brilliant. What was I thinking?
    Your four reasons are true. Can’t wait for the mispronounced words. That stegosaurus is the cutest thing ever!
    Thanks so much for linking with #fartglitter xxx


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